June 8, 2009
…Then God Help Us
A guide to disaster movies
by Henry Kaye
“Sixteen to twenty deaths is a disaster, twenty one and up: Catastrophe, eight to fifteen is a calamity. Seven and under is a crying shame.”
- “Mason” Dead like Me
Disaster movies have been a part of my life for a long time. Throughout the course of a year, my parents and I will gather around the couch to view dramas, comedies, sci-fi, and the occasional action movie, but this familial experience is always heightened when we gather to witness large quantities of screaming people being crushed by a giant comet. We enjoy watching the cheesy dialogue and grandiose government briefings almost as much as we enjoy the witty banter and softly spoken wisdom of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. And of course, we enjoy the formula. The formula is the icing on the cake; it’s the thing that allows us to not worry about if the dog’s going to die, or if the raving government employee responsible for the large cover up won’t get what’s coming to him. But most importantly, it makes for a whole new experience when watching these movies. Listed below are instructions for proper viewings of these fine leavings of the American culture, and I hope they serve you well:
- Identify the first three people to die
On the screen before you is a group of noble survivors (and they tend to throw in a schmuck just to make it interesting) but as most of you know, not all of them are going to survive. The question is: which ones can we bet on? A favorite family pastime of mine when watching these movies is to politely debate over which one is going to die next, a pastime I hope you learn to appreciate. Here’s a tip: if a character is given a clear sign of the imminent disaster, and the sign is ignored, he’s a goner.
- Unveil the government cover-up
This does not apply to all of the movies listed below, but it does for most. About half of these movies involve a government cover-up of sorts, and it’s always fun if you’re able to guess it before the weasley-looking government official is forced out of hiding.
- Eat a piece of candy every time someone says “it’s probably nothing” or a synonymous phrase
This phrase, and all of its synonymous brethren, is scattered throughout all of these movies. If you take part in this activity, be forewarned that you and your family will have ingested enough sugar to put a hummingbird in a diabetic coma.
But these instructions would be useless (and at best ill-spent) if you did not give your attention to the finest of the genre. So ladies and gentlemen, I give you …
The Best of the Worst
These films will entrance you, captivate you, and make you feel good about your chances of getting that screenplay off the ground. These films are less than popcorn flicks, they are popcorn flicks where the popcorn is burnt, the soda is watered down, and the guy in front of you is too tall for your liking. These films are of the most lovably craptacular you’ve ever seen, and here are the best pieces that Reckless Video has to offer.
Armageddon (PG-13, 150 min)
In 1998, two movies were released about a comet careening toward the earth. One was Deep Impact, a relatively smart film based on character relations, minimal effects, and grim drama. The other… was a Michael Bay film. In Armageddon, we follow the adventures of an oil driller (Bruce Willis) and his crew, who, through a series of unfeasible events, end up on a mission to imbed a nuclear device 180-feet inside a comet speeding towards Earth. The movie is padded with humor, a good cast, and fun action sequences (most notable of which involves Ben Affleck et al driving a Hum-V through space) and is, if nothing else, good for an entertaining romp.
Deep Impact (PG-13, 121-min)
When the battle of the cheesy comet movies ensued, “Armageddon” was the one jeering at “Deep Impact”, and “Deep Impact” decided to play the part of the aristocrat and not participate in such vile buffoonery. The posh and polished cousin of “Armageddon”, this film relies mainly on a plot that is (in this chosen genre) supposed to be in the background. Though the plot is packed full of schmaltz and subplots, the everyday characters it portrays are what retain our attention. Tea Leoni plays a reporter caught in the middle of the information firestorm caused by the disaster, and Elijah Wood plays a young high-schooler who discovers the comet. The movie is a good way to spend an hour and a half, and at least has enough fun to inspire our enjoyment.
The Core (PG-13, 135 min)
A journey to the center of the Earth without all the weird aliens, The Core is the story of a group of scientists and government officials who are sent deep into the core of the Earth when the mass of metal responsible for our electromagnetic field stops spinning. The actors (lead by Aaron Eckhart and Hillary Swank) are almost tailored to their roles, with Stanley Tucci as a narcissistic genius and DJ Qualls stealing the show as a government hired hacker. Other highlights include the crew dodging crystals the size of bookshelves within a massive geode and the city of Rome terrorized by an electromagnetic super storm on the surface. This was one of the first disaster movies I remember seeing, and it still remains one of my favorites to this day, so I hope you enjoy it as well.
The Day after Tomorrow (PG-13, 124 min)
When accelerated global warming causes a second ice age that changes the face of the planet, a lone climatologist (Dennis Quaid) must race across the country to save his son. Though a lot of the scientific wording and government briefings are obfuscated to the point of disbelief, these are not the scenes we care about, am I right? Not when they show LA being destroyed by tornadoes, a giant wave consuming Manhattan, and a president (looking strikingly like George W. Bush) uttering his first line: “what do you think we should do?” abdicating to his Cheney look-alike.
Independence Day (PG-13, 153 min)
In a threat to destroy all of Earth’s monuments, aliens invade the earth in large flying saucers. This movie takes a B movie plot line and somehow turns it into a B+ movie with awesome action sequences and good comic relief. The movie contains many iconic moments, from the alien saucer blowing up the White House, to a drunken hick saving the day, but perhaps the best thing about this film is the fact that a 1950’s pulp fiction plotline is the underlying force behind such a fun movie. Jeff Goldblum plays the loveable engineer caught in the middle of the chaos, and Will Smith plays the fighter pilot with a penchant for barbequed alien.
Outbreak (rated R for language, 127 min)
You will never look at monkeys the same way again, I promise you. When a lethal virus ravages an African village, a group of government virologists (Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Spacey, and Cuba Gooding Jr.) are sent to investigate. But when a monkey from the same village is brought to the U.S. carrying the virus, Hoffman and his crew are forced to investigate the most deadly virus known to man, and they discover there is more than meets the eye. This film is possibly the only movie on this list that retains an amount of intelligence, making for a smart thriller with an incredible cast. (As a bonus, you get to see Patrick Dempsey with bad hair.) The only thing lacking in this movie is the ending, but the rest of the movie is so enjoyable that you can’t help but ignore the flat finale.
Poseidon (PG-13, 98 min)
This modern adaptation of the classic book and original movie will manage to trigger your claustrophobia, hydrophobia, and pyrophobia all in one sitting. When the cruise ship Poseidon capsizes on a New Year’s voyage, a small group of survivors is forced to make their way through the bowels of the dying ship. This film is the perfect movie for the aforementioned formula game, but still holds some surprises for the viewer. The cast includes Kurt Russell and Richard Dreyfuss, and you’ll most certainly enjoy watching a relaxing cruise go to heck.
Towering Inferno (PG, 165 min)
It would be unforgivable of me to not include such a classic of the genre as this. On the opening night of the world’s tallest building, a series of electrical fires triggers a night full of terror. The movie is filled with memorable character dynamics, and an incredible cast (Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Faye Dunaway etc.), but the greatest strength of this film is its capacity for suspense. Though the movie is not for those with short attention spans (it’s 2 ½ hours long), fans of classic suspense will be enthralled with this astounding movie.
Twister (PG-13, 113 min)
This story of tornado chasers pursuing the largest weather front the mid-west has ever seen is incredibly fun, and filled with humor. Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, and Philip Seymour Hoffman star in this thrilling tale, creating character dynamics that can’t help but bring a smile to your face as you watch them flee the spinning death traps across the Kansas plains. Did Dorothy have to dodge flying cows?
The Simpsons Movie (PG-13, 87 min)
Yeah yeah, keep laughing, but this actually is a disaster movie. When Springfield is the cause of an environmental violation, the U.S. government (led by Arnold Schwarzenegger) is forced to eliminate the city (D’oh!). The movie is filled with irreverent humor, and may very well be my favorite on this list. The plotline (in keeping with the series) is random when it comes to the hijinks, and is essentially a one-and-a-half-hour long episode, but the enjoyment you will receive is worth your dignity.
I hope you enjoy all of these titles, and I wish you happy viewing.